3-138 [Irregular emotion]: My emotion became totally uncontainable but still avoiding a followed action

My emotion became more extreme that I could not control myself from that March 2013. I came to realize my emotion was strange in the previous month in Okinawa, but I could control myself at that time. After moving to Hokkaido, it became too irregular that I often lost my temper unexpectedly.


For example, I saw a few young private investigators on the bus when I visited a local attraction and they started to make a fool of me. I was accustomed to it and could have ignored for a long time, but I could not contain my irritation on that day. I was at least able to contain my violent behavior so that I did not hit them, but my anger was totally uncontainable.


They said me lunatic or fool and enjoyed themselves to make fun of me, which itself was unbearable but it was one of the gaslighting that they did not tell those words directly to me that I could not counter them at that time moment. Moreover, it was a trap for the spy to have me fight back against those PIs and it was quite nonsense to be entrapped by their operation. However, I could not contain my emotion even though I reasonably knew what was going on.


There were many booby traps around me. One day, I criticized a lot of the police and their executives in the room against the bug on one day, and then I saw a young guy who said the police could do whatever, a few minutes later when I went to buy something to eat.


His face totally looked like a criminal who was hired by the police apparently considering just what happened. His role was just to show what they were listening, but I was so furious at their way of doing, though I was still sensible enough to leave that place without making any troubles. I realized I became too dangerous that I immediately took a leave from the spot without buying anything.


I could stop myself assaulting a specific individual when leaving the spot where I was irritated or intimidated as a gaslighting. It was the way to avoid a conflict in those days as I could not contain my irregular emotion.


There was another way to make myself calm down, which was a zen meditation. I actually started in late 2012, half a year before I came to Hokkaido, as I was deprived my sleep, which also distorted my emotion with a paranoia.


The zen was the way to calm myself down, though my emotion became too extreme after coming to Hokkaido irrelevant to the sleep deprivation. Then, I often spent several hours just for the zen meditation, which was another reason why I could contain myself for the real action, but could not control my irregular emotion at all.